Clarify…

I correct what I said earlier.  I’m ready for it, but I’m not looking for it.  I like where I am.  I like it more and more.  Sometimes the idea of finding that one person is really, really scary.  I’ll take whatever happens…

tired.

I’m tired.

Wanted to save this.  I’ve felt this way. Sometimes that’s just how we feel and it sucks.  Really bad. For us and the other person, unfortunately. It’s a little scary to think the person you’re with might be feeling that way.

This one too.  This one a lot.

This! This, this thisssss!  UGh!  This.

Here. Just go to the website and see them all.

Ready

I’m ready to love someone.  I’m ready to be loved.  I love people all the time, but I’m ready to be someone’s solace and find someone who is capable of being mine.  I’m ready to be the one someone can’t live without and to find the one I can bury my head in.  I want something intense.  Something real.  I want to endure pain for a person.  Go through hell with them and come out on top because I know I can.  I can feel that I was made to.  I have an intense capacity to love and accept.  I keep thinking I’ve perhaps come upon someone who seems great and out of nowhere everything changes.  All around me are people with traits and the ragged, rough histories that I’m attracted to, but it looks like I don’t see the one.  Or maybe someone around me is the one.  Someone I’m around often.  Someone I dated in the past.  I think you never know what might happen… But I’m so ready.

Travel

States/cities I currently want to visit:
Colorado
Washington (Seattle and other areas)
Maine
California
New York city
Chicago! (again!  I love Chicago…)

Other countries/cities:
Berlin, Germany
France
Greece
Thailand
China
Congo and South Africa, Africa
Chile

Here is a good map.

Today has been not bad, not bad at all!

girly stuff

I got a pedicure Yesterday. It was rather nice. Not something I would normally do. I tend to keep my toes just fine all by myself, but in this case I was kind of relieved because my polish kept chipping and I was going to have to redo it. Mom paid. Yay. They’re a fab purplish pink now. Maybe the best color ever.

I am considering trying out Bare Escentuals makeup. All natural stuff. So pure “you can sleep in it!”. Supposedly still covers really well, though. It’s a powder foundation made of ground up minerals. I bet it would be a good thing. Bare Escentuals at Sephora… Although, for anyone interested, QVC might be the best place to buy it.

stupid

I really don’t want to make any more stupid mistakes at work.  Sometimes, I have to fight the urge to not show up because I’m so embarrassed.  Ugh.  I still have to show my face, though…  This is good experience for me even if it’s like beating myself with a stick…

*sigh*

I really need to go to sleep. I am so tired and I am already not going to want to wake up in the morning. Sleeping is so much easier than dealing with the day-to-day sometimes…

I haven’t done my homework. I am so tired of gesture compositions and the ridiculous tonal compositions. Ugh. Ok, that’s a lie. The gesture comps can be fun, I will admit. Maybe I am not that bothered by them. Sometimes it can be difficult to find something to draw, though. I am rather spoiled by having the nude model in class; day to day objects are kind of boring in comparison. And the tonals wouldn’t be so awful if I was good at them. I think I will actually miss this class when it ends. I secretly enjoy it because it bothers me so. I’ve been forced to push myself and I’ve gotten better.

…A quick peek of a (e-hem… rather good…) gesture. Gesture comps. include the background and objects that surround the subject…

.

what? just… what? geez…

ugh.

mix mix

So much has gone on since my last update. Ugh. I am worn out. So many changes. For the most part, not necessarily bad or good, but changes, nonetheless.

I’m bad about going through with things even when I don’t think I should. I’ve really started noticing this. I think it has to do with not wanting to turn down any opportunities to experience anything new. But, when it gets “serious time”, I’ve really got to start filtering my decisions. I’m easily influenced and I question myself too much. Ugh. I don’t know if that makes any sense… Just something that is stressing me out right now… Besides, it’s my blog and I can be as confusing as I want.

I work at Chesterfield’s now. I’ve never waited tables before, but I like it. I like the people I work with so far and I really LOVE serving the people who have a good sense of humor and are appreciative. I don’t like serving the arrogant ones. Wow. There are so many. Or maybe there aren’t that many, but they really stick out…

I don’t know what I need in my life right now, but I need something. Ok, nevermind. I know: it’s God. I never pray anymore, I barely even think of my soul (and when I do, I sort of quickly push it to the side…), and I’m always feeling a little empty. I know I can grab at everything I see to fill the void and it will never work, but I guess I will just keep grabbing until I really mess things up? Do I not want to be happy? Why am I insistent on refusing what I know will satisfy me most????//// This is hurting me more than anything.

Hm.

Well… I’m dating a super guy right now. He’s different from what I usually go for, but I’m really enjoying him. I do wish he were closer, though. He brought me yummy flowers last weekend. I don’t always like getting flowers, but I liked getting them from him, so that’s a good sign! Got great hair, too. Hmm…

It’s 3:11am

and my mind and my heart are keeping me uncomfortably wired…